just bored...

hah,as much as i try to resist,it seems i'm back here,writing another blog earlier than expected.Seems this 'blogging' virus is much more virulent than i thought.I'm supposed to study,but in the back of my mind there's voice urging me to write something,basically urging me to put my hands on the keyboard and become the conduit for 'it',to express itself.And so,i obliged but during this process,something become apparent,one of the reasons that make me hesitate to create this blog earlier,my inability to express myself in words.Well,one can point out that it is due to lack of practice or my limited vocabulary.I agree to both of them.I just hope that in time with the help of this blog, my involuted and atrophied language skills will return back to normal or better than ever.
sigh...earlier i have a lot to say but now...i have nothing... it's either i can't really decipher wat i really want to say...or i deem the things that i want to say as inappropriate.Basically,i'm just not confident in expressing myself i think...scared that i make a fool of myself or hurt somebody in the process..i know i know this is a blog, but all of this...seems new to me... hahaha,guess my 'blogging' disease is not as serious i thought it was at first...oh well... i've always been like that anyway...too cautious about my actions...i tend to think what the other would think or feel if i do something..when it's actually impossible to actually really guess what others will think of u and your action but for some reasons...i just dunno...could it be how i was brought up?? to always take care of how ppl think of u...i just dunno....but that's not the end of it...when i actually manage to find the courage to sometimes express myself...i always can't find the right words or the right actions to properly express it...my expression at times end up like an explosion,everything just come out...and in the end i lose...these has cost me a few times,leaving me hurt,ashamed inside...a blow to my already fragile ego... but i guess these all are part of the growing up process,to make u more mature... i think maturity is all about experience of life that one has and whether one can learn from it to be a better,more prepared person but to learn from these experience needs strength...as at times one need to acknowledge ones weakness and
wrongdoings which can be quite a blow to ones ego.If we don't have enough strength,instead of accepting our weakness and mistakes,we tend to run away from the truth,enveloping ourself with sweet lies and end up not learning anything,not growing up.Although we are,instinctively would want to protect ourself but at times we just have to fight it for the better good..... crap...i can't believe i've rant till this much...better return back to my notes...after another does of anime...hehehe